Over the last year, our beloved B-town produced and released just over a hundred films; some incredibly amazing, some sinfully boring and some just enough to be bearable. Call me sad, strange or just a regular film buff, but I happened to watch over half of these films (no, I did not watch Blood Money, in case you were wondering). In my defence, it’s my job.
And while we’ve just about concluded awards season, here’s a roundup of some of the films that garnered accolades, coveted trophies and the opportunity for representatives to deliver ‘thank you’ speeches on the same platform walked by their competition and inspirations alike.
For Best Film, Barfi! and Kahaani shared the awards in either the Critics’ or the Popular categories at most of the events, making both the masses and the makers happy. The awards for Best Actor were shuffled between Ranbir Kapoor (Barfi!) and Salman Khan (Dabangg 2) while the same happened with Priyanka Chopra (Barfi!) and Vidya Balan (Kahaani). With an abundance of new and rather talented filmmakers last year, Gauri Shinde (English Vinglish) bagged all the awards for best debut director. Ayushmann Khurrana (Vicky Donor), Ileana D’Cruz (Barfi!) and Yami Gautam (Vicky Donor) were the three most promising newcomers. For Best Music, the award was shared between Pritam (Barfi!) and Ajay-Atul (Agneepath). And finally, for the technical awards, trophies were shuffled between Gangs of Wasseypur and Paan Singh Tomar. Random awards like International Icon and Star of the Year were also given to Shah Rukh Khan and Katrina Kaif for not having won anything, but taking the time out to show up and perform.
However, as all or most of the above awards were well-deserved, that’s not what we’re here to discuss. Nobody seems to have given a glance at some of the worst films of 2012. While it may not have mattered to some, it matters to those who painfully sat through them, throwing away their hard-earned money/WiFi and well-wasted time, which they will never get back. I may or may not mostly be talking about myself. Thus, I’ve created a whole new set of Bollywood awards for some of the worst films, performances and appearances that graced our screens in the last year.
Worst sequel: Bhoot Returns. And with it, Manisha Koirala.
Worst remake: Heroine. Of Fashion.
Most overhyped film: Ajab Gazabb Love. By Jackky Bhagnani on Twitter.
Worst crossover to Hollywood: Anil Kapoor in Mission Impossible 4 and Priyanka Chopra’s In My City (feat. will.i.am). It’s so embarrassing, we need the likes of Irrfan Khan and Anupam Kher to do some serious damage control.
Worst dialogues: Raaz 3. “Ek zinda mard ek zinda aurat ke saath jo karta hai, tum kar paaoge ek pret aatma ke saath?” Uh, ew?
Worst music: Bol Bachchan. The title song is possibly one of the most annoying songs of the year and Himesh Reshammiya and his nasal twang suddenly decided to return with Chalao Na Naino Se.
Worst item song: Dreamum Wakeupum—Aiyyaa. All we needed Rani Mukherjee to do was this.
Worst lyrics: a close call between Ishq Wala Love and Hookah Bar, but I’ll have to give it to the latter. Imagine someone singing “tera pyaar pyaar pyaar, hookah bar…” to you. I mean, that’s just not classy.
Worst comeback: Bobby Deol—Players. There are certain people we just don’t want to see. Hence, surprises like these are neither pleasant nor welcome.
Worst debut: Farah Khan—Shirin Farhad Ki Toh Nikal Padi. I guess it’s all she had left to do.
A film that tried to be smart but turned out stupid: Chakravyuh. I don’t even know where to begin.
Worst story: Teri Meri Kahaani. WHAT kahaani?
Worst jodi: Madhavan-Bipasha Basu—Jodi Breakers. The only jodi they needed to break was their own.
Worst actress: Katrina Kaif—Jab Tak Hai Jaan. Never seen a girl more upset to be with Shah Rukh Khan.
Worst actor: Tushhar Kapoor—Kya Super Kool Hai Hum, Chaar Din Ki Chandni. Anyone else realise he’s only bearable when his character’s mute?
Worst director: Sajid Khan—Housefull 2. The day he stops making films with people chasing each other will be the day we can regain some lost hope in Bollywood.
And finally, the worst film: Joker. There were people dressed up as vegetables, pretending to be aliens. This film was a perfect example of a woman (Farah Khan)’s unconditional love and faith in her husband; Shirish Kunder, joke’s on you.
And that rounds up the best of the worst Bollywood awards 2013. Only a month into the year and so far, there has been only one good film out of four. I’m sure the tone’s been set for more debacles in the year for me to bash, with pleasure. Until then, stay on the lookout for the odd film that’s worth watching; I’ll keep you posted.